1. I can read a map, and fold a map. These are skills of which I am perversely proud: proud because I know not everyone can do it; perversely because it seems pretty simple to me, like everyone should be able to do it. But I do have to hold the map pointing the way I’m going. And the funny thing is that I am always traveling South. Fortunately, reading upside down is also one of my areas of expertise! But, hey, is this weird, holding the map the way I’m going? Should I be ashamed? Does it have anything to do with the fact that I don’t know left from right, and have to look at my hands and THINK before I can situate myself on the left-right axis? And does that, in turn, have anything to do with the fact I skipped grade three? Or is it just a personal stupidness?
2. Speaking of left and right, Z points out, with his usual depth of insight, that all sentences that end with the word “left” are immediately followed by the word “right.” The simplest example would be: “Turn left.” “Right, okay.” More complex examples might involve figurative usage, along the lines of: “I count myself a member of the left.” “Right. But what about your stand on abortion?” He swears it’s a universal rule: if “left” closes a sentence, the next word is/must be “right.”
3. Have I mentioned the fact that I REALLY hate it when I’m standing on a street corner and a driver motions me to cross in front of him? Drivers think this is courtesy, but it’s not, emphatically not! It’s pushing me around. What if I want to stand on that corner thinking about philosophy? What if I’ve paused to sneeze? What if I don’t feel like hustling my butt across the road directly in front of two tonnes of metal that could kill me? It’s my right to stand there! I’m a pedestrian, and the privilege of a pedestrian is that I don’t have to follow rules, I don’t have to go when the light is green, I can do whatever I damn well please! And you know why this is my privilege? Because, unlike you Mr. Driver Man, I am not encased in a great huge metal weapon! I am free! I am as nature made me! So just go, okay? Do whatever it is you’re going to do! Because you know what? I’m not an idiot! I know you think I’m an idiot because I’m not in a car, and only an idiot would be not in a car, but in fact it is not the case. I am smart, and I know what you must do, and I’m counting on you to do it. In fact, I’m counting my steps, so I can dodge you, and go behind you while also narrowly avoiding being hit by the next car coming down the pike. I am totally in control of the situation! Just as long as you don’t stop the car and frantically wave at me, interrupting my reverie and my traffic dance with your so-called courtesy. Okay?!!